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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

What ever happend to Ricki Lake ?

Let me tell you about last weekend. !!! Friday Went to Fabolous, I mean Famous Pub like we seem to be doing way more often than I like to acknowledge. The usual crew was there. Joe, Alex, Justin, Matt Rey, Jasmine, Trey, Myself, and a new recruit, named Jonathon. The night started off with me driving. It was my turn unfortunately, which meant less to drink, but it also meant less $ spent on beer and chicken wings. When we got there, I saw Drew Turner and Beau Billington, and Patsy Horne. Time had been well to 2 out of 3. If you can guess the old maid, then I will buy you a non-alcoholic beer. Someone really let themselves go. But they seem to have an interesting job !! I was then challenged to play pool from Norwood and Lil Joe. My partner was my trusty sidekick Alex. We were going to kick some Paleskin Ass !! Turns out, we lost, but in the 2nd game I was holding my own. I knocked all the balls in. With the exception of the 8 Ball. Ever wonder why it is called the 8 Ball ? So did I. So I sent my investigative journalist down to uncover the story. I am afraid to report that you are not going to like what you see. The origins of the 8 Ball. I told you that you were not going to like it. It is like finding a family of trolls in your belly button. The night got better though. It got better with the magical power of dance. Not Michael Flatly dance, but good old fashioned Kid N Play dance. The rhythm was in the air, the feet were tapping, and the guys were on the floor. But where were the ladies ? That is a good question. That is always a good question when we get on the dance floor. The ladies did show up and were oh so impressed with Alex's impression of the worm or centipide or the legless lizard. Whatever it was, Jasmine & I were speechless. Joe did not back it up as much as he did in the past, I guess he got his quota in for the month of July. What about yours truly ? Yes kiddies, I got up there and did my best "run overed squirrel impression" . To all the ladies out there, I was taught by Mr. Patrick Swayze himself. All it takes is determination. We then sat around, drank some more, and heard about Matt Rey & Justin drooling over some waitress. This girl was good, but not that good looking. She was all over every guy in the place. I am sure she walked away with quite a few tips and phone numbers that night. I just have one thing to say to the guys who fell for it -- oh well, they're guys, better luck next time. Saturday Saturday was pretty repetitive. Got up, went to the gym drunk, sweated out salty buckets of Miller Lite & Vodka w/lime and felt pretty weak afterwards. I then did not do much. I think I watched some Nip/Tuck (my favorite new show) I can identify with Christian Troy so much. I think I got the right character. One thing I have noticed is that there are no brothers, asians, or mexicans in southern Florida. I wonder if this is true. Who is gonna pick my oranges. Speaking of oranges, I heard an interview of NPR the other day about these huge buses that come to Atlanta to recruit African American homeless people and offer them jobs and hot food, in exchange that they come down to florida to work. Many accept the job, but once they do they are forced to keep working. They orange farm owners make the ex-homeless people pay for the gas, the bus ride and the food that they used to bait them in with in the first place. The report also mentioned that many of the ex-homeless orange pickers were paid in drugs and alcohol. I know of a couple of people who wouldn't even need a resume to land that job. Saturday Continued Sorry about that, my mind wandered. Let's see, the plan was to go see Weezer at the free 99x concert down town at 5 points. Like clock work , it rained AGAIN !! This rain is starting to get ridiculus. We still went downtown and met up with Nasty's sister - Little Ricky. We used to call her that because I thought she looked like a minature version of Ricki Lake. She used to hate that !! It really is true that I make up a nickname for everyone. Well we got there and there was no BOOZ, nothing, nada. My eyes got real sad looking. I have that down to a science. I stuck out my hand and said, please sir, may I have some more ? No I didn't. I was very upset. But I heard that relief was on the way. Allison's neighbor was kind enough to offer us some of his beer. He had some of everything. Then more guest showed up and we had more beer. All I kept thinking was the Dione Warwick song - That's what friends are for . It was so beautiful. Before I knew it, I had kicked back a couple of beers and was off to my old perverted ways of turning into one of the Nasty Boys Yes that is right, the Nasty Boys. I do not know when it started, but it is a part of my every day struggle to survive. Call it a perverted case of Terret's syndrome. Well we then drank some more and attempted to watch a boxing match. Got bored quickly. Here's a hint Jeffry- get some freakin volume. So lame, so lame. Joe & I proceeded to head down stairs when Joe got the bright idea that I steal some beer. Sounded good to me. I went and found an unwatched 12 pack and grabbed it with my beady little hands and were off. We rushed off to Nasty's chamber to present our offerings, and he took it the complete opposite way of what we expected. You just can't please some people. We left 4 or 5 beers in his fridge, for our trouble and then returned the beer, to be caught red handed. We told our hostess that we had to give Nasty some beer STAT, so that he would not pass out from dehydration. Clever thinking from Old Ian as usual. Once that was over with, we still were thirsty so we went banging on doors until one opened. We walked into a new condo that was about the same size as Nasty's. Just a little differently laid out. We talked with the host and found out alot about him. He turned out to be a swell guy + his girl was looking good (if that was his girl) About 20 or 30 minutes passed and Alex finally walks in. He joins in the conversation and has some very good input. I think that once I heard him say hmmm. I can't be too sure, I had been drinking from grandpa's medicine cabinet. Time flew and Joe remined us that Marta was dead. Gasp ! I thought as I scratched my head and then rubbed the couch ever so gingerly. "What are we going to do ?" I asked. "Fuck it", Joe replied. Sounded good to me, and I dropped my trousers and had my way with the couch. 3 minutes later I told everyone that seriously y'all are sick peeping toms for watching and that next time you can find me at strokers on lean. We then left and I found myself on the floor. It turns out that non-drunk / non-violent Joe accidently rammed me into a wall, ...again. So I got back up and we left for the second time. We were lucky to have Alex drive us, he is such a good friend. Otherwise he would have to get on his knees and earn his ride home. It is a good thing it was him and not me, because the "Johns" like it when the dome-master has brushed their teeths. The end of the story. If you have any similar stories, please let me know. HOLLA


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